Don't go to the family

Bumped into an exceptionally talkative autorickshaw driver last evening.

It was all my fault. I could have got an auto from just outside my office, but it was rush hour and getting a good rate was difficult.

I can take you to Anand Niketan for 80 rupees, he said. But that is 10 rupees more than what was being quoted 10 minutes and half-a-kilometre earlier. Sir, there is a big traffic-jam near Anand Niketan at this time. There is no way I was going to settle for that rate. OK, I will take you for 70 rupees - only because I like you. Just let me finish my coffee.

No sooner had we started, he asked - Where from, sir? Bihar. Shake hands. Myself from Bihar too. Yes, I had guessed it. How? From the way you talk. You mean my personality. Thank you.

Suddenly the cosy auto into a mobile gym as well. Every few minutes, the autorickshaw driver did some stretching exercises. Do you think I have strong muscles? I suppose so. You don't think I am heavy? Not exactly. How old you think I am? I thought putting an absurd number would put an end to the conversation. 24-25, I guess. No, sir. I am 36. I drink half-litre milk every morning, eat salad and only home-made food. That is really good. Keep it up.

I have three bad habits, though. Politeness demanded that I asked what. I like to be clean. I like to drink coffee. And I like to be with my family.

There is nothing wrong with that, I said. If you like cleanliness, you will feel healthy and your customers will be happy. If you drink coffee in moderation, there is no harm. And surely your family would be happy to be see you around.

He continued stretching, as he drove and talked. But we shouldn't go to family every day. If we do, then we feel like doing it regularly. I do it every other night and it makes me feel weaker.

I suddenly realised what he meant by family. You know, doing it causes all sorts of problems. It causes backache and your muscles feel weak. I know a bodybuilder who didn't go to his family for six months. When he did, he got into a fight with this guy and picked him up by the scruff of his neck. What strength!

Hmm, I mumbled, hopeful this would end soon. In fact, the other day my mother was saying. You know how mothers are. They don't say anything directly. She hinted that it is a good thing not to go to the family regularly. Then again, the family also likes to have it regularly. So, I need to do it for her as well.

The stretching continued. How do I look? Strong? I need to build those muscles. When the winter sets in, I will go to the gym. What exercises should I be doing? In fact, I also want to buy a good perfume - to use on myself and for the auto.

Looks like a bad jam, I said, trying to steer - and, possibly, end - the conversation. Yes, I told you. I generally don't take customers to East Delhi or West Delhi at this time of the day. You spend too much time waiting rather than moving. Nothing can tempt me to make these journeys. Unless the person is willing to pay me thrice the fare.

I don't want to drive autos all my life. I will buy a taxi soon. Drive it for a little bit and then buy myself a 4x4 and employ drivers. And I will change my watch. You see this watch? Expensive, but only for driving the auto. When I drive car, I will get a new watch. And goggles (sunglasses). Do you think my personality will look good in my expensive goggles and watch driving the 4x4?

That's my house. Right there. Yes, by that red car. Can you stop the auto there? Before he could say anything, I handed him the money and ran to my flat.