Would you like to see the gynaecologist?

I was unable to write this past week, as my brother-in-law was visiting us with his family.

The visit had been long overdue, and - despite the searing heat - we wanted to make the most of it.

There were the usual Delhi attractions - Qutb Minar, Red Fort, India Gate, Shankar's International Dolls Museum, Dilli Haat and Akshardham Temple. There was the customary night-time drive through Lutyen's Delhi........And there was the visit to doctors and hospital.

No, nothing to worry about. My brother-in-law had some swelling in his feet and wanted a general medical check-up done.

Now, Preventive Health Checks are quite popular in this city. Apart from companies that sign up their employees to make sure they don't konk off one fine morning, the average man/woman also get themselves checked reasonably regularly.

There are quite a few diagnostics centres close to our house, but they aren't much use unless you know which tests to get done. So, we opted for general Preventive Health Checks offered by Apollo Hospital or Max Panchsheel.

Both of these conduct tests on all vital organs and are offer reasonably-priced packages. The trouble is they always book more people for the tests than they have capacity for.

I wasn't too pleased with my Preventive Health Check experience at Apollo, three years ago. The place was crawling with well-dressed Customer Service people, with no clue how to manage the tests. I and my parents were rushed from one room to the other.

The only two people reasonably free, back then, were the General Practitioner and the Health & Lifestyle Consultant. Both of them asked the same set of questions - Smoke/Don't Smoke, Drink/Don't Drink, Exercise/Don't Exercise etc etc - before handing over advice on how to lead a healthy life.

Max was untested, had slightly better reputation and is close to our house - so the decision wasn't too difficult. And in this heat, the "centrally air-conditioned facility providing in-house diagnostic service facilities" pitch was quite appealing.

Quite why the in-house diagnostic facilities would need four days to generate a report was beyond me, but the place was worth a try.

When my better half and her brother landed at the MedCentre, they were impressed. A token was quickly handed for "billing purposes". They were signed in and the process was soon underway.

The first few tests went fine and then the confidence started crumbling. After one of the tests, my brother-in-law found himself holding another patient's document. It seemed the doctor had seen the right guy but made observations in the wrong guy's document.

By mid-day, all the tests were done. Please come on Saturday for the report, my brother-in-law was told. Some nudging and strong words from my better half, and they could do the report for Friday.

On Thursday, that commitment ended as Dr Kalra isn't in on Friday. Dr Kalra is the General Practitioner who would have made sense of all those graphs, numbers and strange notations. Please come at 8.30 am on Saturday for your report and consultation with Dr Kalra.

At 6 in the morning on Saturday, they probably sent an SMS to say Dr Kalra won't be in that day either.

Since my brother-in-law was leaving on Sunday, there was no time to wait for Dr Kalra to come into work. Would you like to see a gynaecologist?, asked the Duty Manager helpfully. After a moment of gender-confusion, my brother-in-law refused the offer.

Our local doctor said the report did not explain the swelling in the feet. Why don't you get Thyroid and Colour Doppler Test?

The Thyroid test was quite straight-forward, but the Colour Doppler was fun. It was conducted at a Diagnostics Centre in south Delhi and involved a technician and a doctor.

The technician followed the doctor's instructions as moved the ultrasound sensor on a pregnant woman's tummy. When he was quiet, the technician quickly opened the internet browser and got about finishing her profile on jeevansathi.com - a matrimonial website.

The pregnant woman may have wanted to focus on her baby, but the technician had other things on her mind.

Thankfully, the details of the Colour Doppler and the matrimonial question didn't mix up. After an eventful day - in which my brother-in-law was offered an appointment with the gynaecologist - he was still Male, 35 and with swelling in his feet.